I have to stop this.
I’m a bad girl. I have a crush on someone else. Already.
There’s nothing I can do
Cos I’m in love with you.
Some Quiet Time of My Own
I didn’t feel like I needed it. But actually I do.
You walk, you run, you stop and look back. Only if you want to walk faster later.
What I/my thoughts have been changed during the past year:
- work is for a decent amount of earning, some occupancy of time, better knowing oneself and the world and self accomplishment.
- if I want a life under my own control, be self-employed
- if I want to be self-employed asap, get started asap
- take notes cos ideas slip away
- don’t feel pressure cos the more you take right now, the less you’ll suffer in the future
- control yourself or you’ll be controlled, and be miserable
- I’m risk averse, I judge, I have nasty temper, I do whatever I want like a baby girl, I can’t control myself
- but I’m changing.
No one pushed me to be a business woman. Simply because I want to be me again, I want to do whatever I want, wear whatever I feel like, go to work whenever I’m energetic.
As to Mad Men, here’s what I’ve been thinking:
- What we are going through is exactly what they’ve gone through during the 60’s. Well, 50 years behind.
- Women are educated (or uneducated) to be housewives, to do nothing but getting married to the rich, having babies, raising babies, holding parties and attending parties.
- Conflicts existed because men and women had strict division of tasks. Conflicts were solved because.. to be found out. They didn’t have anything in common.
- Men screw around because when they get home, their wives are there waiting with hot meals and complaints that they won’t bother listen. They need somewhere else, simply another space, to not do anything. (Well, that’s the same reason why I like dancing in clubs, where no one hears your problems, where no one cares what you do.)
Wow, can’t believe that’s all of them.
It means two people who love each other vow to take care of each other no matter what happens.
It doesn’t say anything about other things, does it?
It’s about two people living together as live partners - the man goes out to earn a living, the woman stays in to take care of the rest of the family, when they meet at night, they talk a bit about their own problems but neither of them care for each other’s problem indeed. When they’re happy, they make love, and make more babies.
If they don’t have anything in common in terms of the life in the day, the problem arises. They have their own problems which do not relate to each other. Once the other person does not have responsibilities in that matter, he won’t care.
So, if it’s work, save the problems to ourselves. We can talk about them, but don’t expect solutions or comfort from others.
If it’s family stuff, do and decide together.
Don’t be a housewife, because that will only make yourself, your life and your family miserable. Everyone has his own duties. Don’t stay at home just because you are allowed to.
Did you hear yourself?
I’m looking for the one. If I’m not, then leave me alone.
Start off new.
This isn’t right.
Clear my mind
Actually there’s nothing to think about my job.
Everyone does the same. They do not go to work and don’t care what others think before they leave. And when they do, they leave like heroes.
What I feel bad about is that there doesn’t seem to be anything suitable for me, and my personality.
I don’t like teamwork, I’m bad with people, I don’t want to be in a big corp cos I hate those stupid networking but neither do I like small firms cos I might be looking for new jobs every few months.
Just take whatever I feel fine with. I don’t have many choices. I graduated from Exeter which is nowhere to them. Good pay, something to learn, that’s it. And keep looking. Everywhere.
Don’t feel defeated about being rejected by Booz blah blah. They do have the right to reject anyone even from Harvard.
If I keep learning things, keep earning the amount I feel comfortable with, then that’s fine. I get a life, and improvement.
Why do I feel so gloomy about things? Cos right now I don’t see my (near) future. But think about the real future. I’ll be fine.
I really don’t know what I should feel.
Weird and insecure.
But thinking might make it worse.
I start to realize that I’m as annoying as Betty Draper.
If I want anything new, I’ll have to find them myself, cos from last year on, I became all on my own.
I can live the life I wanted, from now on, by living it, not dreaming it.
Do it, don’t think that you will do it.
Don’t buy things to make yourself feel better, do things.